At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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