Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
