Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
