and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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