i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
