If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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