I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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