Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i just made my gag reflex go away.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize