I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
