Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Randomize
