y did u give ur computer a hand job?
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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