sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
