Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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