My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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