Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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