My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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