Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
