I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
