Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
My ass is underappreciated
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
