Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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