I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
