I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
