I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
