I accidentally had phone sex last night
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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