Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
