She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize