hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Well I just put wine in my tea
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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