doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
