Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
