hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Never joke about your clitoris.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
