Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
