If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
