I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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