the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
babies were throwing up all over the place
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize