And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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