i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
