Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
