Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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