i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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