Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize