I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
