I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
