I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
