you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
