I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
