I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
