dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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