Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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