who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
