You were right. It hurts to walk today.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
