ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
