Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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