i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
