I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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