if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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