In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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