zippers are such a cool invention
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
