i just wanna soil my oats bro
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
