Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Randomize
