now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
