If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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