What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
