birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
